“Lately I’ve been going through changes / I’ve been doing a little light rearranging. Blew up my whole life, I’m not complaining / Just thought I’d start with some honesty.” Ben Rector, “Daughter”

I was going to be silent on this topic and let my life speak for itself. However, at my friend Toccora’s urging, I will write. To quote her: “When I saw your changes I didn’t question your faith because I figured maybe things have changed that allows more flexibility or maybe there’s more to the story! NEVER ONCE did I feel she turned her heart away from God!!!”*

“Lately I’ve been going through changes. I’ve been doing a little light rearranging. Blew up my whole life, I’m not complaining; just thought I’d start with some honesty.”

Ben Rector, “Daughter”

In January of 2022, late one night, behind the wheel, I asked the Lord “How do you see me?” I expected, in my human ego-centric view, an impression of a young warrior, clad in armor, possessing a large sword, ready to clobber through whatever obstacle arose. That is not the impression Jesus gave me.

Immediately, I saw clearly a little girl, about six years old, with dark shoulder-length hair. She wore a dress with the bodice in gold fabric, shot through with shining gold threads. Her flared skirt was made entirely and cohesively of diamonds, dazzling and throwing light. She held the strong, tanned hand of a Man who I knew instantly was Jesus Christ the Lord, and she danced and twirled for Him. They were a moving picture radiant in adoration, light glowing and reflecting off the diamonds and the intimate smiles. They were both laughing, enjoying each other’s presence, fully present. They loved each other so much! She danced only for Him, and the glory of her attire was entirely Jesus’ righteousness. He had clothed her in His righteousness; it was entirely His glory. I was deeply impressed that I don’t need prove anything; all I need to do is receive His love and dance for Him. The aura of the scene was total and absolute love.

Even recalling this beautiful impression brings the tears to my eyes. How could an unworthy one as I be so loved? So accepted? IT IS ALL HIM!! If that is how the Lord of the universe wishes to see me, I will accept with a yes Lord! and my life will be a dance for Him.

I also recognized that at six years old, I was still free of the sexual abuse that I would later face. He sees me as whole. To Him, in His presence, I have no sin, no wounds, no flaws. I am only completely loved.

Needless to say, a lot of insecurities melted away after that vision. Selfish insecurities cannot compete with such unconditional divine acceptance.

I am still redeemed-but-being-redeemed. I still cuss at work sometimes, especially when my smiling patient insists that only the IV “D drug” can take away their 10/10 pain, and no, Tylenol won’t do it, as they turn back to their TV or phone. Or they can walk just fine but call for the 5th time in 20 minutes to scoot their table just a little closer to them, just so–no, that’s too far, scoot it back. It is a daily death to the carnal desires, and some days, the carnal desires are alive and virile. But He knows all that, and He still chooses to see me redeemed, basking in His love, and reciprocating it.

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After probably several years in the making, my husband and I are no longer Mennonite. Our external changes are beginning to catch up to our internal changes. And naturally, it has been a disappointment to some people, and a sometimes-nerve-wracking change for me too. I may have deep-breathed more than average prior to entering some stores or homes. I am not quite the fearless warrior I fancy myself to be.

But on the first Sunday I wore pants and no veil at our new church, during benediction Scripture reading, I stood there, hands extended, quietly praying out loud. In the most unexpected way, I had a vision of Jesus walking up to me and dumping a liquid gold fluid all over my head. Again, I had an instant understanding of what this liquid gold was–His righteousness and His approval. It was a bucket full of liquid gold, drenching me, splashing off of me onto my husband and the others around me. I might have gasped, I don’t know. Jesus vanished as rapidly as He appeared, but I stood there, knowing in the spiritual realm I was drenched from head to toe in His righteousness. I cried a little and grinned a lot. I suspect the Lord Jesus has a boy-ish side and enjoys surprise heavenly drenchings as much as a kid with a water balloon.

Toccora also stated, “There are times when the Spirit calls for us to move and our flesh battles and struggles with things that are uncomfortable/unfamiliar!”* Uh, yes. Just yes and yes!

Take from this what you will. If you think I’ve fallen, hit my head, and suffered delusions, you are welcome to think that. If you think I’m finally getting a glimmer of God’s unfathomable love, think that too. But I know what I have experienced, and the winds of change are bringing peace. I know less and less about man’s theologies and more that He is great, He is love, and He is right. I’ll just be over here dancing for One.

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References:

*Toccora Baker, 12/11/2023, personal communication.

Images are not mine. Images retrieved from Pinterest on 12/13/2023. Credits to House of Maria ZA.